The Warrior Princess Rides

This filk is based on season one, episode 9 of Hercules Legendary Journeys entitled Warrior Princess that launched the spin off Xena:Warrior Princess.

Originally published on 14th December 1997

See the beautiful lady frightened, alone and in distress.
Watch Iolaus offer to help her out of her horse shoe mess.
She scans him with eyes filled with fear and distrust.
Iolaus points out he’s offering his help not his lust.

Within a short time Iolaus is totally love struck.
Forget building Herc’s mum’s fence, he has to pass the buck.
Hercules cannot believe his friend could be enamored so quickly.
When questioned about it Iolaus becomes quite prickly.

He has offered to help Xena save her village from a warlord.
Xena trusts that he can do it, so Herc can rest assured.
Hercules is not worried about Iolaus’ prowess and fighting skills.
They’ve been together a long time, and have shared many kills.

He worries for his companion’s heart, giving out of the blue.
He knows Xena’s up to something but she doesn’t give him a clue.
Iolaus and Xena ride off leaving Hercules fretting and pondering.
“Aren’t you happy that he is in love?” Herc’s mother gets to wondering.

Iolaus and Xena leave and Herc is attacked by Xena’s lackey.
Confirmation Iolaus is in danger, he’ll have to find them quickly.
Meanwhile, Iolaus and Xena are confronted by some aggressive warrior types.
Together they beat them. “Iolaus you’re good, it’s not just a bunch of hype”.

“You were pretty cool yourself, for a maiden in distress.
The way you fought back there I’d say you were a Warrior Princess”.
“Ah, shucks it was nothing. I’m more interested in your skill.
You fight so boldly, but then you refuse to kill”.

“I want you to show my men those moves of yours when we get to camp.
In the meantime, I have some honey for you. Come here you little scamp”.
Back at camp, Iolaus is being bathed and pampered by Xena, so pretty.
As she steps into the bath with him you can just make out her ti… intent.

(Ah sorry, about that. Let’s get back on track here.
Xena has a gorgeous body, I couldn’t help but stare.)
Oh yes. Iolaus and Xena discuss the fight ahead.
The way that Xena’s planned it though, he’s sure to end up dead.

A knock without confirms that Hercules has arrived.
“Oh Hon, he doesn’t trust you”, she schemed and connived.
But Iolaus bit the bullet, his pride was all puffed up.
Quickly he dressed himself. Herc’s about to be duffed up.

“So you don’t trust me to handle this warlord alone?
Thanks for your trust my friend, now butt out and go home”.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Hercules is perplexed.
“Xena is plotting something. It’s with her you should be vexed”.

“I’m gonna kick your butt because you’re jealous of Xena and me.
You’re full of your own Demi-God status as far as I can see”.
“You’re on your own Iolaus. Learn from your own mistake.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to take a leak”.

Disheartened by this exchange Herc goes to the local for a drink.
Iolaus is a dumb ass. He never stops to think.
A kindly gentleman points out that Herc just cannot give up.
He turns out to be the Warlord Xena wants Iolaus to stop.

“I’m Just a peaceful farmer who lost a son because of Xena’s rampaging.
She’s just using poor Iolaus for some evil that she is staging”.
He tells Herc not to turn his back on his friend of so many seasons.
“She must be stopped. My son’s own death should be enough reason”.

Bolstered by this new proof that Iolaus’ lover is an evil schemer.
Herc sets off to find and destroy the evil warlord named Xena.
Once again Iolaus is ready for a fight, this time to the death.
He attacks Hercules before poor Herc can even pause for breath.

“Listen to me you fool”, Herc’s pleas are being completely ignored.
Iolaus doesn’t intend to stop until the big guy has been floored.
“She wants us to fight each other. It isn’t a love thing.
We don’t have to do this, it’s what she wants”. Iolaus takes a swing.

“I’m fed up of walking in your shadow. No one ever remembers my name.
I’m gonna help out Xena for her love and for some fame”.
Herc roles and jumps to avoid the fast and frenzied blows.
If he thought Iolaus would come to his senses, he’d give him a bloody nose.

Being good friends they know each other’s moves and are prepared for the attack.
Iolaus soon gets fed up though as Herc just won’t fight back.
Words are exchanged and Iolaus slowly comes to his senses.
“Kill them all”, he hears as Xena finally lets down her defences.

Back to back with great choreography Herc and Iolaus fight off Xena’s men.
As Herc saves Iolaus’ life for the umpteenth time the Warrior Princess Rides again.