When I was born Mother Nature visited me in my crib and said “For five minutes of your life (childhood to late teen years) you’re going to love to dance. Your favourite dancers will be Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly. You’ll dance to anything, be involved in school musicals and know all the words to the ‘Oliver’ soundtrack.
“You’ll also like to play rounders and netball. So with this in mind I’m going to give you small ta ta’s so they won’t get in your way when you’re getting jiggy with it.”
I replied “Gurgle gurgle hic” (that’s baby talk for “Awesome Mo’ Na!’).
She continued “To compensate for your small ta ta’s I’m going to give you a butt to die for. However, you will need to maintain it otherwise it will become HUGE.”
I was a bit put out and replied “WTF Mo’ Na’!” (You know what I’m saying!)
Mega years later, I haven’t played a game of rounders in decades and I don’t dance as much as I used to. I’ve taken to indulging in foolish adult pursuits like guzzling alcohol and watching DVDs. Middle aged spread is busting out like June and my ass is grass, as in it’s so big cows AND sheep can graze on it!
Is it Mo’ Na’s fault? I mean she did warn me right? But who needs a butt to die for? When people keep commenting on how nice your butt is (men and women) it can get really tedious. It’s worse when people are actually jealous. Like it’s your fault you were gifted!
I look around and see people with small ta ta’s and next to nothing butts and I wonder if I would have been better off like that. Then I realise I’m just being frikking lazy.
I Need to get off my HUGE butt and work it! It will be worth it.